I love weddings. This statement alone should alert you that a) this is not Max, and b)this will not be a typical max-logic post. If you are a romantic, keep reading. If you prefer sex-antics, catch the next Nasty Friday. As I was saying: I love weddings. Aside from the preparation drama – deciding who to bring, figuring out what to wear, wondering how he/she managed to find someone before you did – going to a wedding promises laughing, crying, dancing and eating. Yes, these are all things I do on a daily basis, but in my robe not in formal attire. Of all the things I love about weddings, one of my favourite traditions is the wedding speech (incidentally, this is Max’s least favourite part). They can be really touching or a total train wreck and either way, it’s good entertainment. Best moment: When the father of the bride says to the groom, “Welcome to the family, son.” Worst moment: Family members who make lewd jokes about the wedding night. Dude, that’s your niece.

But one tradition that seems to be sweeping the nation, ruining my beloved speeches, is people giving “advice” to the happy couple to get them to kiss. Don’t get me wrong – I am totally behind anything that puts a stop to the irritating glass clinking tradition. But my back goes up when married men offer the groom advice like this: “Just learn how to say ‘Yes’ and ‘I’m sorry.’” “Remember that your wife is always right and you’ll have a happy marriage.” While the bride is getting this gem: “All you have to do to keep your husband happy is cook. And serve him naked.” So if I understand correctly, married men must learn to figuratively swallow their balls while women must literally swallow them. The sentiment is almost as charming as my description. I don’t know what incenses me more; the idea that women are these insufferable control freaks who turn their husbands into yes-men, or the popular lore that men require nothing more than a meal and a screw. I haven’t been married, but I have been in a very long live-in relationship and men let me tell you – you’re not easy. Let me outline a few scenarios:

Scenario A One person has a day off; the other is working. What a woman does: Hit the alarm before the second ring. Tiptoe around in the dark searching for clothes, creep into the bathroom, shutting the door before she turns on the light. What a man does: Whatever he wants, loudly. Scenario B Man is watching one of his shows on television (likely sports). Even if she’s not a sports fan, woman will sit with him, cheering for his team in solidarity, faking enthusiasm at various plays she doesn’t understand. Now, woman wants to watch her show (likely Gossip Girl). Man scoffs, jeers, snorts, and says, “What are you, fourteen years old?” I imagine at this point the men – if there are in fact any men who have made it this far into the post – are thinking of their own scenarios. I encourage you to speak on it in the comments. In the meantime, I will say this: I think women are getting a bad rap when it comes to marriage. There is no male equivalent to “ball-and-chain,” as far as I know. Or maybe that’s why “I’m with Stupid” shirts were invented.

Regardless, it’s not for me to say if it’s easier to be a wife or a husband (read: yeah, I’m single). But I do have one simple request: Strive to offer marital advice that does more than reduce a married woman to a household/sex slave and a married man to a eunuch. Search the recesses of your brain to make marriage something other than a cross to bear. And if can’t do that, then for God’s sake just lie to them – it’s their wedding day and they’re giving you free wine. My sister rocks, doesn’t she? Speak on it in the comments. About the post that is – not about how much she rocks.